How Not To Get Drunk

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The Sober Supporter

1 part fully sober person
Mix with social interaction
Add sex (if available, try to stay away from sober-by-religion)
Keep Stirring.

Hypo: Out of sight, out of mind – if those we spend time with are not drinking, nor will we.

Reasons:
Personal: desire to be with sober person outweighs even social drinking inclinations.

Rules: Cold turkey.

Concerns: Impossible. Could kickstart a reformed alcoholic.

Practice:
Step 1: Meet sober person. AA is a good place to start, rehab is not. Church/religious functions can work but realize those sober because of religion are not likely to have other vices that keep one busy (i.e. gambling).
Step 2: In order to be with sober person, stop drinking,
Step 3: Enjoy! Finding sober responsible person at party or event works well also. Always get a ride home. Enjoy early mornings on weekends.

Duration: 1/12 days (drinking/total).

Week 1 Results: Technical success. 0 Consumption following moderate consumption allowing for meeting of said sober person. Drunk to level 4. Hangover@3. Outlandish quasi-intoxicated sex. One sober brunch date. 3 days of better than average sober sex. So far, so good. One weekend sober date. Getting boring. Sex not that good or interesting. Sober person not nearly as interesting when also always sober. Sober person not nearly as good looking when also sober. Weekend feels like waste. Drunk to 0; Hangover at 0

Week 2 Results: Ultimate failure though successful until final day. Feel healthy but bored on Monday. Sobreity begins to wear off midweek. Stay strong by taking Kava and other herbal supplements. This is not effective. Increase Kava prior to date. No effect noticable. Getting socially anxious on date. Others drinking and having a good time at tables. Bar looks fun. Waitress disappointed we are drinking soda like children. Sneak beer at bar during sober date on way to bathroom. Sneak lychee martini (yum!) on way back. Feeling good, admit to sober person who is disappointed. No longer also sober, do not care. Order another. Finish dinner alone. Take home leftovers. Bonus! Drunk to 6. Hangover at 4.



Result: FAILURE

Theoretical reasons for result: Sober people boring. Never drinking again bleak. Cannot go to normal hangouts. Cannot see friends with sober person. Sober person thinks friends are idiots; idiots think sober person is judging them. Lots of tension, sex only fun for so long before painful.

Conclusions: Complete abstention is pretty tough without a very good reason (i.e. pregnancy). Clearly this is very effective but takes extreme will power, alteration of all social habits and events. Must become acquainted with mornings and appurtanent activities (i.e. breakfast). Just sex not enough (can have sex while drinking too). Legal herbal mood elevators suck. Complete sobriety overrated.


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