How Not To Get Drunk

Friday, October 13, 2006

O Solo Vino

Buy/pour wine. Try to drink it. Attempt to enjoy.

Hypo: The”Solo Theory”: Only drinking wine will result in less consumption because wine is fucking disgusting.

Financial: wine is often available at events free and is relatively cheap per glass
Personal: makes me look like quite the fancy fellow.
Health: Should cut down on consumption as ordering wine at a real man’s bar would make me look like a total fruit [note: pun?]

Rules: Solo Vino. Fin. No prohibitive period. No consumption or price limits. Just nasty ass wine.

Concerns: I really don’t like wine and don’t know if I will be able to stick with it. It may turn into a “Cold Turkey”-esque experiment which is clearly doomed to fail. May stain teeth. May get hit on by men or conversely ignored sexually by women. Hangovers.

Practice: Drink wine [note: as noted below in detail, for me this means a regular sized glass goes down in 2 enormous slugs with much cat-like tongue-sticking out and other general oddity about 5-10 mins apart. Will also try to sneak ice cubes into any type of wine or mixer like soda and try to explain this is common in Southern Europe to fit in].

Duration: 6/14 (drinking/total)

Week 1 Results: Astor Wine and Spirits, how I love thee. I love your racks upon racks of sweet intoxicating liquors from around the globe. But I have on occasion wondered about these burgundy bottles and these golden hued decanters. I shall try thee. Whence shall I select? From the best under $8 natch. Highly recommended wines go unopened M-W.

Thursday: Graduate school event. Crappy wine abounds. Drink it while openly grimacing out of paper cups. Leave early. Drunk to 4; Hangover @3.

Friday: Open bottle of Shiraz-Cab. Drink with ladyfriend to impress. Seemingly impressed, clearly intoxicated. Southern European-style mixing not an option as glasses are clear and she will not buy that bullshit. Interestingly, she does not seem to notice (or doesn’t comment) that rather than sipping or drinking like human, I gulp in as much as possible, hold in mouth, swallow hard. Fight off vomiting. Wait 5 mins or until thirsty and repeat. Open second bottle of same. Drunk to 7;Hangover@6 (though wine hangover … sweatier than usual 6 from beer). Not nice. Concern about stained teeth clearly true.

Week 2 Results:
M-Th: Not happening. I would rather drink sour milk and hallucinate.

Friday: Time for white wine. Bartender highly suspicious. Much mockery by male compatriots. Wine so dry makes me feel like tongue dried up. Ice not helping. Clear now why the “spritzer” so popular. White guy whining. Ha. Approx 1 bottle (4 glasses?). Nasty! Drunk to 4; hangover. Drunk to 7, Sticky Hangover@6. $24 spent.

Saturday: Same ladyfriend as previous. Open same kind of wine from previous experiment. 2 glasses each in. Having good time. Girls like wine and guys who drink wine get girls. False. After going for 2nd bottle:

LF: “So you really like this red huh?”
SO: “Yes, it’s great. Nice body, great tannin”
LF: “Huh. Do you really know what that means?”
SO: “Kinda. I read a book.”
LF: “ Do you have any beer? Or vodka?”
SO: (confused) “I thought you liked wine.”
LF: “Well not really. Sometimes. I was drinking it when we met because it was free and I have stuck it out because you seem to like it so much. But generally, no.”
SO: “I fucking hate wine. I thought you like it and would also be impressed..[note: there is no telling others about experiment as would ruin variable of peer pressure – likely make failure higher with the animals I know].”
LF: “I am. Very. So that’s a no on the beer then?”
SO: “For me, right, you do whatever.”
LF: “Be right back.”
(5 mins later with 12-pack of Heine-cans)
LF: “Goddam that is a finely brewed and delicious beer.”
(2 mins later)
SO: Ah, sure is!

Theoretical reasons for result: Wine is nasty and for Europeans, women and European women. There I said it. [note: No seriously, I recognize that I have a pedestrian palate or whatever and wine is the greatest thing since manna and ambrosia. But I just don’t like wine enough to actually drink it. ]

Conclusions: I may be in love with a brew-swilling hoochie. In other news, my overall consumption these weeks was VERY LOW. My price was VERY LOW. My enjoyment was below 0. Negative enjoyment of wine. It is a good deterrent but it is impossible to stick with because I hate it so much. I also have decided to no longer eat grapes in protest.



  • i know this whole blog has a tinge of jest to all of it...but drinking wine won't limit your chick pospects or make you look gay. quite the'll make you appear to be one step above the reast of the testeroid neanderthals.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:29 AM  

  • Perhaps S. Ober would enjoy wine more if he stayed away from Australian Shiraz-Cab blends. Leave the Yellowtail alone for crying out loud! Jeepers!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:30 AM  

  • please keep writing this blog
    i love it

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:26 PM  

  • I'm a brew-swilling hootchie, and I can confirm that all wine served at grad school events is especially vile.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:22 PM  

  • I just stumbled by on a google search and felt compelled to say:

    I love this blog almost as much as I love brew-swilling hoochies. Girls who dig (good) beer are hot.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:28 PM  

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