FYI: Some Theoretical Not Drunk/Not Sober Families
All the experiments have some theory behind them. Some of these have clear intersections while others are pure. If you are a reader, you know they all fail but at least you know where you are coming from, so when you get to where you are at, you can throw up.
1. Cold Turkey Theory: Ah, we’ve all been here around 8 AM on a Tuesday haven’t we? Never again we say as we sweat through work craving fried cheese but too afraid to eat it, feeling like someone is going to walk up and punch us in the back of the head (and maybe feeling like we deserve it). Cold Turkey reasoning involves complete abstention periods where all consumption is flatly and expressly prohibited. This rarely seems to work because life isn’t a sober parade and no drinker wants some sober a-hole around to make him feel bad – bar ain’t a church pal.
- See “The Sober Supporter”
2. The 6th Man Theory: We all have that friend who is all “yeah dude, peace and love and … what were we talking about” because moralizing hippy jerkoff that he is he “only smokes trees” or someother stoner logic about how no one ever died or beat their wives from bong hits etc. Well here’s the thing Moonbeam, this ain’t sophomore year at State and some of us have jobs that test for that shit. Move to Holland and shut up. 6th Man reasoning involves admitting that you gotta have something, but trying to make that something anything other than the sweet, sweet sauce. So you have to bring in a solid substitute (get it?). Popular choices include caffeine (and other stimulants) or prescription drugs like Xanax, Percoset and other thinly veiled heroin substitutes like OxyContin. [note: thanks to Jesse for correcting my pharmaknowledge]
[note: taking any drugs that are not prescribed is in no way recommended. Just say NO. Drugs are BAD. And I mean that. I do not use, or support the use of or sale of any illegal drugs or the abuse of any legally prescribed drug. That is why we have the 21st Amendment folks, God Bless America.]
- See “The Café Onle” (upcoming)
3. Revolution Theory: You want it badly enough, you can find a way. You badly want to not want it so much but gotta have it, try a Revolution. For me, it’s wine, champagne or anything colored or tasting like candy. And fish (bleh!). Sort of a combination theory of Cold Turkey and 6th Man because really, you are trying to quit but admitting you want something so giving yourself a completely revolting (get it?) option.
- See “O Solo Vino”
4. Sweetheart Theory “Oh honey I love you so much I don’t want anyone but you forever and ever and ever!” Yep. Just the one thing. Forever. Until it’s no longer cheaper to keep her anyhow. In this situation, you got only two options – your sweetheart or death. Hopefully death is not an option. Some clear intersection here with all of the above but of course there are differences – for example, it is one thing to only drink beer but another to only drink Guiness.
- See “The Chubby Irishman” (upcoming)
5. Prescription Theory: Wait for it. Wait for it. No, just because it is 5 o’clock somewhere does not make it OK. Time is not on your side, fuck you Mick Jagger and your calorie rejecting old man rock body. Here, you just gots to wait. Maybe it’s days, maybe it’s hours, but you gotta wait., because you are proscribed from all that is not prescribed (get it?). Two-a-day? 12 a week? Just what the doctor ordered – and that bullshit about apples can join Jagger in getting fucked by a moose on meth.
- See “The Doctor Slayer”
6. Marathon Theory: Go Go Go! You’ve only go so long to get so drunk sluggo, so you better hit it hard and fast whilst you still can. Early to bed, early to rise and all that other stupid shit that sober people who eat granola and have one glass of wine on Christmas say. Four hours a night (“The Father Time”)? Home by 12? (“The Ben Franklin”)? Some intersections with Cold Turkey’s but also some obvious differences as regards duration.
- See “The Weekender”
7. Bankbreaker Theory: If you were Donald Trump you would actually be broke all the time but still have a hot wife. You are broke, but minus the former Miss USA farting in your bed. How to aspire to real-life, Bill Gatesian wealth? Surely not by spending all your money on booze – and the expensive stuff no less! You won’t be feeling good if you say “Salud!” too many times shooting $15 shots of Patron. (Not recommended for wealthy types).
- See “The Good Life” (upcoming)
8. The Pauper Theory: You cannot spend much. You will beg, borrow and steal. You will ask hobos and vagrants where they got that Thunderbird. Because you are on a budget my friend. Oh, maybe at the bar you can pretend to be hip drinking PBR, but you will know the truth. Natty Light $5 12-packs at home hoping to catch some boon on Univision? You bet – and the squirts as a bonus! Mmm is that wine fortified? Wow, I thought they made malt liquor illegal after all those people died. Is that a flask in your pocket or are you just happy to see me grandpa? Prepare for outcasting, ridicule and obloquy. Unless your friends are also poor. Then they will think you are cool. You are welcome. [note: pay special attention to the “Toilet Tank Trick”].
- See “The Miser” (upcoming)
9. Ultimatum Theory: It’s this or that kids – you want sex or booze? You want chocolate or beer? You want to have that burrito or just the tequila? Despite being seriously unbalanced, you are trying to walk the tight rope anyhow. Oh you can drink – but then you miss out on that other thing. Destroy what you love! Muwah-ha-ha-ha (sp?).
- See The Ultimate Sacrifice (upcoming)\
10. Proactive Prevention Theory: Swallow first ask questions later (that totally came out wrong … and so did that). Strike first, establish position and you won’t be caught out there the next day. Popular applications of this involve taking actions before and/or during and/or after drinking to keep it reezy in the morneezy. [note: they haven’t given me ad money yet, but these things called “Chasers” are fully endorsed by S. Ober]. Water is a common and cheap attempt at this, as is food, various antacids and from what I understand, various other substances both legal and otherwise.
- See “The Fire Douser”